Why do we mock the things that scare us? Is it because we want to decrease the power they have on us or because we are too afraid to admit it? Can it be both?
It’s been 3 months since my grandma died. I used to make tons of jokes on cancer. I still do, but some stuff has changed – for the better or not, only time will tell.
I’m most proud of not being a couch potato anymore. It had been an evergreen item on my New Year’s resolution lists, but only after my grandma’s death I’ve started doing something about it.
At first, it wasn’t a conscious decision. Riding my bike simply helped me clear up my mind and feel a bit better – not drinking, not partying, not always being surrounded by people – although I did a lot and even a bit too much of those, too. Then, after I managed to get my body to do more and more of what I wanted, I started really enjoying cycling.
Riding a bike takes some effort. Progress is very easy to monitor, just measure how much time you need to go from point A to point B. Whatever you do, with small exceptions, you have complete control. Nonetheless, in big cities there is no day without an adrenaline rush because of some careless driver. This is why I love cycling and will keep pursuing it as long as the weather is manageable.
When someone you love very very much dies, you lose a part of your identity, too. At least this is how it was for me. The good news is that you also get a new grasp on the world, on yourself, and it’s a bit easier to tell what matters from what doesn’t.
I’m not a better person since my grandma died. I have only become aware of how much of who I am is thanks to her.
I wish I had something inspirational to say, but I don’t. People die and this is it, you keep marching on, especially when you have sand in your eyes, a strong knot in the stomach and the likes.